I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
