do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
