we have pet lesbian snakes
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We are all done wearing pants today
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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