Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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