Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
