I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
