Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
