my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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