all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
