You're completely useless in the revolution.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
