Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
