it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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