In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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