Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
