I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
