omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
