i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
