you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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