1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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