I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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