So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
