Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
