does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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