TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
