I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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