I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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