Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
