You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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