i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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