I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
