Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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