I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
