by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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