Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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