theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
