I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
