Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
