Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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