I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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