I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
