Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't deserve a penis
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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