He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
