Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
