she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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