when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
