i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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