I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
