i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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