too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's shark week go big or go home
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
