this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
