I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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