Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
