the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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