ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
