I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
