Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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