We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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